Respect Is a Two-Way Street: A mirror works both ways

If there is one thing that all parents can agree on, it is the desire to see your child flourish and live a long, healthy life. But there are obstacles in life. Many are uncontrollable, while others are the outcome of things your child does or experiences.

In my experience working with families, disrespect is a parental worry that is even more prevalent than the all-pervasive disorders. Respect is frequently at the top of the problem list parents bring to my office, whether it be talking back, having an attitude, or not listening. Normally, I try to find methods to cross off being disrespectful from the list.

Your attempts to teach your children the importance of respect will probably be met with opposition from a variety of influences in popular culture. You could occasionally feel as though disrespect is pouring over you from all sides.

Various parents I speak with believe they are failing in the fight for their children’s respect, and that failure will negatively affect their capacity to raise them. Many of the kids I talk to no longer think their parents are important. You better be relevant in this toxic world we live in, or your children are doomed, I say emphatically. No matter how demoralized you may feel, you must keep up the good fight for the benefit of your kids.

You can influence your children much more than you would realize, but only if you continue to treat them with respect. For instance, a recent study found that teens are less likely to smoke if their parents disapprove of it. Peer pressure had a lessened impact on their decision to smoke because of the rejection. About parents’ effects on teenagers’ usage of alcohol and drugs, similar results were discovered as well.

Thankfully, you are not alone. Schools, places of worship, and other locations emphasize respecting others to children. But respect begins at home, much like most aspects of child rearing. When children learn to respect you, themselves, and others early on, they are more likely to carry that value with them into adulthood and apply it to become successful, content, and contributing members of society.

IT’S ALL IN THE RESPONSE

Emotional pain is unavoidable. Each of us goes through moments of hardship and discomfort. I regret to inform you that you may never feel these emotions. Most likely, you are buried head-deep in poisonous positivity or denial (or both), and it is not helping anyone, least of all yourself.

One can reign in anxiety and depression without medical intervention some times and note that it is not always the case. Their severity might occasionally require medical attention and classify them as a clinical disorder.

In either event, concealing this distress could imperil both our progeny and us in the long term. Exhibiting a positive reaction to our struggles in front of our children is the emotionally beneficial decision, which is also the intimidating and daring decision.

Children count on their parents to attain an awareness of the world and their personhood. “It begins in utero,” Lebowitz added. He cited a study showing that while determining whether to crawl through a transparent floor, newborns react to facial cues from their parents. Children of parents who showed terror abstained from rolling over while those whose parents appeared unfazed carried on crawling.

We learn a lot about what is risky and safe, happy and sad. By doing this, he continued, we frequently underestimate how attentive our kids are, but they often catch up on our verbal and nonverbal emotional clues.

Not that we must always appear composed. When we experience worry because of factors such as accidents, wildfires, racism, or financial insecurity—or because we have a clinical anxiety disorder—we should discuss it with our kids in a way that is suitable for their age.

Parents should begin by caring for themselves when they feel as though they are falling apart at the seams. This might appear incorrect or, God forbid, selfish in a society that tacitly and overtly urges parents to prioritize the needs of their children over their own. But everyone will benefit from it.

Exercise, time off work, a phone call with a friend, or counseling are all ways to release pressure. Discover those basic techniques to recharge your battery, and this has invariably been advantageous to numerous individuals.

Besides finding ways to help themselves, parents must communicate with their kids regarding the issue.

“Having a parent who is struggling but doesn’t talk about it is scarier for a child than having a parent who is struggling but talks about it,” Lebowitz said. Be sure to speak in terms that they can understand. “Sad” and “frightened” are probably better options for young children than “depressed” and “anxious.”

We can reach several goals through age-appropriate dialogues about anxiety and sadness. Talking to your children helps to normalize these emotions and teaches youngsters that it’s okay to acknowledge and express them. Communication also helps youngsters understand that their parents’ worry and anxiety are not their responsibility. Finally, by discussing how they are handling these emotions, parents are teaching their kids how to handle difficult emotions of their own.

Parents should aim to provide a good example of coping behavior right away, rather than engaging in destructive behaviors like catastrophizing, shutting down, or yelling.

We strongly suggest that parents should acknowledge, but not indulge in, their children’s anxieties when it is the children who are distressed. This can be a conflict with the natural parental urge to safeguard children from risk. But there might be a fine line between defending against and tolerating unhealthy and unreasonable behavior.

Don’t reassure a youngster by saying, “I understand you are worried and we won’t go,” if they express fear about visiting a place because they think they might not feel secure there. Say, “I know you’re afraid, but we know this is safe, and I know you can do it.” instead. They will seek confirmations from their parents and it is permissible to give surety to your children as it aids in feeling more secure with you.

Demonstrate to the child that you have faith in their capacity to cope with the pressure and come out unscathed. Let them know you have faith in their ability to handle it, advised. It is a treatment that addresses child anxiety by counseling parents and imparting these abilities to them. This should always remind us that parents are like the mirror that kids used to learn about themselves.

I have found that the mirror works both ways. Knowing that my kids are observing how I handle stressful situations and unhappiness motivates me to find better coping mechanisms than, for example, curling up beneath a blanket and spending hours on Twitter.

VALUING PEOPLE OR VALUING POWER?

It is arduous to recommend a postponement of the dialogue of respect and value of power in a therapeutic setting, as respect is vital. However, as guardians, we oftentimes revert to desiring respect in exchange for obedience from our children. We employ diverse means of coercion to train children to recognize authorities, such as intimidation, chastisement, humiliation, enticements, and encouragements.

Our failure has been due to our tendency to disregard the more critical purpose of appreciating relations and each other as distinct individuals. This has unintentionally educated children to venerate the supremacy of those in positions of power and control.

We have trained kids to place such a high value on power and control that they aspire to possess it. Tension between minors and their progenitors may augment as they seek to accomplish this elevated status. This explains a tendency I notice in my office: a parent is more likely to get involved in a protracted argument with one or more of their kids if they identify more strongly with power and control. This predicament is something that many individuals face each day.

Expressions of regard for one another and for relationships, not just for domination and hegemony, must be displayed all the times. Instead of attempting to demand or compel respect from kids, we need to earn it. Compulsion of respect can bring about submission, yet it does not engender heartfelt admiration for one another. You acquire respect by showing it to others and by recognizing their inherent worth and equality. Children are on par with us in terms of human dignity, not intelligence or competence hence, they deserve to be treated accordingly.

MODELING RESPECT

Respecting children and placing an emphasis on the relationship are the first steps in earning their regard. Here are a few ideas:

• Focus on collaboration rather than conformity. Cooperation implies flexibility to contribute one’s viewpoint and influence and consideration for one another. Compliance is always less demanding on the youngster since it might be thoughtless submission.
• Typically, you should not do anything for a youngster that they can handle on their own. Being given unauthorized service is rude.
• Keep your expectations consistent. Being strict one day and lenient the next disrespects the relationship and suggests that your attitude and energy level are more important than the parent-child bond.
• Keep the focus on the problem, separate the doer from the action, and use dialogue to reach agreements.
• Justify your position. Believing what you say. Don’t stop there. Respect youngsters enough to recognize their comprehension of the situation. They do not require repeated admonitions, justifications, or threats.
• Identify the issue as a social one. Request assistance in resolving the issue once you have noted how it interferes with your ability to enjoy and be intimate with each other. “I do not enjoy being with you and I do not feel like taking you with me the next time when you two fights in the car. What should we do in this situation?
• Avoid talking down to kids. Show genuine emotion instead of using a cartoon voice.

Your connection with your parental figures could be strained if they do not appear to understand you. Despite it, you should always treat your parents with respect. You may easily reevaluate how you feel and behave toward your parents to make sure you are treating them with the respect they deserve if you wish to give them more.

Be grateful. Being grateful and appreciative for what you have is all that gratitude is. Parents devote time, effort, and resources besides having you come into existence to make sure that your necessities and inclinations are attended to. You can show someone that you respect them by telling them how much you value their work.

• Tell them face-to-face. The easiest way to show gratitude is to thank them and tell them you appreciate who they are and what they do.
• Do something small but meaningful. For example, clean the kitchen after dinner or take the trash out without being asked. Parents will notice and appreciate your acts of kindness.
• Compliment them on something they do well. For instance, tell your mom how great of a cook she is, or tell your dad how awesome he is at his job.

Understand differing perspectives. A lifelong skill that is applied in everything from politics to careers is respecting other points of view. You do not have to quit your beliefs just because you decide to appreciate your parents’ viewpoints. Instead, considering events from their point of view can help both parties learn more about one another and accept it.

• Ask your parents questions to learn more about them. Understand that your parents are from a different generation and a lot changes with time. Engaging them in conversation will help bridge the gap in order to understand each other better.
• Keep a journal about your interactions with your parents. By re-reading a journal, you will see things with more honesty instead of reinterpreting events in a way that benefits only you.
• Talk to an unbiased party. Talking to someone who has nothing to gain can help you see things from others’ perspectives, including that of your parents. Learning to see “where they are coming from” helps in building a mutually respectful relationship.

Value their wisdom. The ability to integrate knowledge and life experience to manage any unforeseen scenarios is called wisdom. You would not believe how much of what you went through as a child or teen your parents also went through. It is crucial to acknowledge that they possess knowledge and judgment, both of which should be respected.

• As an example, if you were to visit a doctor, you would want someone who had the experience and training to diagnose and treat your illness. The same is true for parents. Learning to see them as professionals in life will help you develop a different level of respect for them.

Remember how much they love you. There is no way to put into numbers or percentages how much a parent loves a child. Not only do they give life to their children, but they raise them, provide them with guidance, help them overcome obstacles, give of themselves and love them unconditionally. As children, we often forget how much they have done in our lives. Taking a second to think of their love and support can help to build bonds of love and respect.

• Recognize that when parents seem to get in your way, they are, but with good reason. Parents often act as a shield to protect their kids from anything they consider being harmful.
• Because parents love you, they are concerned about your future success. When parents perceive your behavior as something that threatens to limit your potential achievement, it can often cause conflict in your relationship. Realize that it usually comes from a place of love.