“My brother always got the bigger piece of cake.” “My sister never had to do as many chores as I did.” “My parents attend all of my brother’s football matches but miss my art exhibitions.” These sentiments echo across countless family dinner tables, therapy sessions, and even into adulthood relationships. The perception that parents have a “favorite child” is so common that it appears in literature, film, and cultural narratives worldwide. But what drives this perception, and more importantly, how can we move beyond it to recognize the complex, equal love most parents hold for their children?
The Psychology Behind Perceived Favoritism
As a psychologist who has counseled families for over fifteen years, I’ve observed that perceived favoritism rarely matches parental intentions. Instead, it emerges from several psychological mechanisms:
1. Confirmation Bias in Action
Our brains are wired to notice evidence that confirms our existing beliefs while overlooking contradictory information. Once a child begins suspecting favoritism, they’ll unconsciously collect “evidence” supporting this view while dismissing instances of equal treatment or special attention directed their way.
“I worked with a young woman who kept a mental tally of every time her mother complimented her brother but couldn’t recall similar compliments given to her,” I recall from my practice. “When I asked her mother to keep a journal of her interactions with both children, we discovered she gave nearly identical amounts of positive feedback to both—but her daughter simply didn’t register the compliments directed at her.”
2. Different Needs Require Different Responses
Parents naturally respond to each child’s unique developmental needs, personalities, and circumstances. What looks like preferential treatment might actually be tailored parenting.
Consider siblings Thabo and Lerato: Thabo struggles academically and receives extra homework help from his parents. Meanwhile, self-sufficient Lerato excels in school with minimal supervision. From Lerato’s perspective, her brother receives more attention. From her parents’ perspective, they’re allocating resources where they’re most needed while trusting Lerato’s demonstrated capabilities.
3. The Invisible Emotional Economy
Every family operates with what I call an “invisible emotional economy”—a complex system of giving and receiving care, attention, discipline, and privileges. Children lack the perspective to see this economy in its entirety, instead focusing on the transactions most visible or important to them.
“A teenage client once complained that his younger sister had fewer rules and later bedtimes than he had at her age,” I share. “What he couldn’t see was that his parents had learned from their experience with him and adjusted their parenting approach—not because they favored his sister, but because they were evolving as parents.”
4. Developmental Timing and Memory Formation
Our perception of childhood is heavily influenced by which memories were formed during critical developmental periods. Two siblings can grow up in the same household yet have entirely different recollections based on what occurred during their individual sensitive periods.
When parents face challenges—financial difficulties, health issues, marital problems—these stressors impact their availability and patience. A child who experiences these periods during attachment-critical years may develop a lasting impression of parental emotional unavailability that their siblings, who experienced different developmental windows, may not share.
Breaking the Favoritism Illusion
If you’ve felt the sting of perceived favoritism, consider these approaches to gain a more balanced perspective:
1. Recognize Your Unique Relationship Blueprint
Each parent-child relationship is distinct, shaped by personality matches, communication styles, shared interests, and countless other factors. These differences don’t indicate preferential love but rather reflect natural human variation in how relationships form.
“I encourage clients to identify their ‘relationship blueprint’ with each parent,” I explain. “Perhaps you and your father connect through intellectual discussion while your sister connects with him through sports. Neither connection is superior—just different.”
2. Consider Parents as Evolving Humans
Parents, like all humans, grow and change. The parent who raised your older sister was literally a different person—with different experiences, resources, and skills—than the parent who raised you several years later.
“One exercise I recommend is to interview your parents about what was happening in their lives when each child was born and during key developmental stages,” I suggest. “This often reveals contextual factors that influenced parenting approaches beyond any preference for a particular child.”
3. Name and Examine the Underlying Need
Feelings of favoritism often mask deeper emotional needs. Are you seeking validation? Security? Recognition? Identifying what you’re truly yearning for can help address the core issue rather than focusing on comparative treatment.
In my practice, I ask clients: “If your parents showed you beyond any doubt that you were equally loved, what would change for you?” This question often reveals that the desire is less about “equal” treatment and more about feeling specifically valued for one’s authentic self.
4. Practice Perspective-Taking
Try to view family dynamics through your sibling’s and parents’ eyes. Your “advantaged” sibling may be struggling with pressures or expectations you don’t see, while your parents may be making conscious efforts to respond to individual needs that aren’t immediately apparent.
“A powerful exercise is to write a brief description of family dynamics from each family member’s perspective,” I recommend. “This practice builds empathy and often reveals blind spots in our perception.”
5. Communicate Openly But Thoughtfully
If feelings of favoritism persist, consider a carefully framed conversation. Rather than making accusations (“You always favor my brother”), express your experience using “I” statements (“I sometimes feel overlooked when…”).
“The goal isn’t to extract a confession of favoritism from parents,” I emphasize. “Rather, it’s to express your needs in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness.”
Parents: Creating Balance While Honoring Differences
For parents navigating the challenge of raising multiple unique individuals while avoiding perceptions of favoritism:
1. Acknowledge Different Needs While Affirming Equal Value
Explain to children that fair treatment doesn’t always mean identical treatment. Just as we might give medicine only to a sick child, we adjust our parenting to meet each child’s current needs while maintaining equal commitment to everyone’s wellbeing.
2. Create Individual Traditions
Establish special rituals or traditions with each child that honor their unique relationship with you. This might be a monthly one-on-one outing, a shared hobby, or even a special bedtime routine that belongs exclusively to that relationship.
3. Be Transparent About Resource Allocation
When one child requires additional resources—whether time, money, or attention—acknowledge this openly while reassuring other children that their needs will similarly be met when circumstances require.
4. Monitor Your Triggers and Patterns
Parents are human, with their own histories and unconscious patterns. Some children may naturally elicit more positive or negative reactions based on how their personalities interact with the parent’s own background and triggers.
“I advise parents to reflect regularly on whether certain behaviors or traits in a child trigger disproportionate responses,” I note. “Often, we react most strongly to qualities that remind us of ourselves or aspects of our own personality we’ve struggled with.”
The Deeper Truth About Parental Love
Perhaps the most transformative realization on this journey is accepting that parental love isn’t a finite resource to be divided equally among children. Rather, it expands to encompass each child in their wholeness.
Most parents don’t love one child more than another—they love each child differently because each child is different. The parent-child relationship is as unique as a fingerprint, incomparable to any other relationship in the family system.
When we release the need to measure love comparatively and instead focus on the quality of our individual connections, we free ourselves to appreciate the complex, imperfect, but genuine love that flows through our family systems.
As you reflect on your place in your family constellation, remember that the goal isn’t to receive identical treatment to your siblings, but rather to be seen, respected, and loved for exactly who you are. That recognition is the true antidote to the favoritism illusion.
Wisdom from Masvingo
The perception of favoritism within families is often a mirage created by our own unique lens of experience, not a reflection of unequal love. What we interpret as preferential treatment frequently reveals more about our insecurities and needs than our parents’ hearts. Remember that love manifests differently across relationships—sometimes as attention, sometimes as freedom, sometimes as discipline—each expression tailored to the individual child standing before them. Just as a gardener waters different plants according to their specific requirements rather than in equal measure, wise parents adjust their approach to nurture each child’s particular nature. The path to healing lies not in demanding identical treatment but in understanding that comparison is the thief of connection. When we stop measuring love as a competition and start recognizing it as an infinite resource that transforms uniquely for each recipient, we free ourselves from the burden of perceived favoritism. Perhaps the greatest wisdom is realizing that our siblings aren’t rivals for affection but fellow travelers interpreting the same family story through entirely different chapters of development, personality, and circumstance.
