Self-sabotage is often rooted in our subconscious mind. We may have unresolved issues from our past that we are not aware of, and these issues can manifest in our relationships. For example, if we had a parent who was emotionally unavailable, we may seek out partners who are also emotionally unavailable. We may also have beliefs about ourselves that are not true, such as feeling unworthy of love or feeling like we will never find someone who loves us for who we are. Additionally, self-sabotage can be a way of protecting ourselves from getting hurt. We may engage in behaviors that push our partner away or create problems in the relationship as a way of avoiding vulnerability. In some cases, we may even sabotage the relationship because we don’t believe we deserve to be happy.

Our childhood experiences can have a significant impact on our adult relationships. If we experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse as children, we may struggle with trust, intimacy, and vulnerability in our adult relationships. We may also seek out partners who are similar to the people who hurt us in the past.

Our attachment style, which is formed in childhood, can also impact our adult relationships. If we have a secure attachment style, we are more likely to have healthy and fulfilling relationships as adults. However, if we have an insecure attachment style, we may struggle with trust, intimacy, and vulnerability in our relationships

Fear and anxiety can also play a role in self-sabotage in relationships. We may fear getting hurt, being vulnerable, or losing control. These fears can lead us to engage in behaviors that ultimately sabotage the relationship.

I’ve talked to thousands of them, held and joined men’s circles, and worked in the male self-improvement space for years. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

The average man is capable of so much more than he realizes.

The problem isn’t that you don’t want it or don’t know how to get there. Financial freedom, a beautiful woman by your side, a jacked body, and great adventures with friends. There’s more information on how to do it than grains of rice in a Bangkok food market. But you’re sabotaging yourself.

“Sometimes, what you don’t do is just as important as what you do.”

— Greg McKeown

One stupid action can mess up your life for years to come — so avoid these traps.

men

Turning Fun Distractions Into Addictive Vices

I’ve been smoking weed for over seven years now.

It started when I was in university — a joint every second weekend. It quickly took over my life until I was smoking daily. One year, I did the maths and realized I smoked well over 1000 joints in twelve months. “It’s fun; no harm done,” I thought.

But when I look back at the thousands of hours I spent high, I realize lots of them were wasted, and I could already be so much further than I am now.

The problem isn’t the occasional beer, Netflix show, or video game.

The problem is becoming dependent on it.

  • Can you spend a great weekend without alcohol?
  • Can you become happy without numbing yourself from your pains?
  • Can you process your emotions instead of drugging them away?

If you don’t, you’ll never be free to create the life you truly want. You’ll go through the same patterns again and again — work a job that doesn’t make you happy, fight with your girlfriend, get angry over your living situation, then find relief at the bottom of the bottle or inside a virtual world. You’ll keep yourself stuck because you avoid the pain that would create change.

Set yourself free of your vices for a month. 30 days is all it takes. Once you’re through, you’ll have developed new tools and strategies to deal with your problems.

Don’t depend on external fixes.

Choosing A Partner For The Wrong Reasons

I’ve learned this the hard way.

One of the biggest decisions in your life isn’t your career path, the college you go to, or the tattoo you’ve been dreaming about.

It’s the partner you choose to accompany you along the way.

They will have a massive influence on your life because you’ll spend massive amounts of time with them. Their way of thinking, their needs, and their character will change you. They can either help you rise to the sky or drag you down into hell.

Unfortunately, many men throw any caution out the window once they see a round ass bouncing in front of them. Pair it with a cute face and a set of juicy boobs, and we’re sold. It’s like buying a car without checking the engine and if it fits in your garage first.

I’ve been guilty of that — and it messed up my life.

Some of my exes made me waste tons of time and energy on petty drama. They butchered my self-worth to elevate theirs. They kept me stuck for years, caught in endless up-and-down cycles. Marrying them puts nails in your coffin that are hard to remove. But not all women are like that.

I’ve met women who have done anything and everything to support me. Without them, I would not have achieved what I have today. So how do you choose?

Become clear about what it is you want from a partner besides their looks.

  • What do they give you besides a pretty appearance and sexual satisfaction?
  • Do they support you and your goals?
  • Do they elevate or compete with you?
  • Do they give you energy or drain it?
  • Do your values align?

Successful men have a strong woman by their side.

Think before you make someone your partner.

Not with your dick, not with your heart, but with your brain.

Mingling With The Wrong Tribe

Being a lone wolf for years has taught me two things.

You’re always better off alone than with the wrong friends. You’re always better off with the right friends than alone.

The world is a rough place for men. We don’t get nearly as much support as women — fewer mental health services, almost no safe spaces, and no hugs when we cry. That’s why you have to build your own support network.

I’ve been a digital nomad for a while now. When I stepped into the plane, I left almost all my old friends behind. It was scary — but also an incredible opportunity.

I filled my social circle with new people who have the same mentality, values, and goals as I do. The trajectory of my life has gone up like a Saturn V rocket.

We talk about business instead of hanging in front of Netflix. We dive into limiting beliefs, unhealthy patterns, and goal setting instead of playing video games. We support each other, listen, and give advice instead of smoking weed.

Can you imagine what such people would do to your life? What would happen if your friends would push you to do better and help you solve your problems every day? Where would you be in three years if everyone pulled you up instead of down?

Seek out people who elevate you. Reach out and connect. Put effort to making that friendship work.

You will become the sum of the people you surround yourself with.

Choose them wisely.

Settling Into A Soul-Sucking Job For The Money

Where do you spend most of your time?

Let’s forget about sleep for a moment. Yes, you spend a lot of time with your partner, your friends, or your hobbies. But something else takes up the majority of your waking hours.

Your work.

40-to-50-hour weeks are common. Add a little commute and some after-work emails or thoughts, and you’ll realize how important it is to choose a career that excites you. This is where lots of men mess up.

Their parents tell them to get into medicine, law, or tech because it pays well. Fair point. Having money is fun.

But what men truly thrive on is something else — purpose.

I’ve met many a man who’s miserable in his job, bound to it by the golden handcuffs — expensive car payments, high rent, and a lavish lifestyle.

If your work doesn’t excite you, if you don’t create value, and if you don’t align it with your purpose, you will be miserable for eight hours a day.

The problem is you can’t find your purpose or dream career by thinking about it. You can only create it through iterations because every time you take a new position, you learn more about yourself and what you truly want.

Don’t be afraid to quit your job, reinvent yourself, or live frugally for another year.

Choose something that ignites you to get out of bed early every day.

Life’s too short to do something you don’t believe in.

Giving Up When They Shouldn’t — And Not Giving Up When They Should

Yesterday, my coach told me something mind-blowing.

“Your words and actions do not return void.”

Everything you say, do, and think, either reinforces your current identity or creates a new one. If you start one pursuit after the other but never finish, you’ll get used to it. You’ll crumble at any sign of challenge. You’ll start a new job, a new relationship, or a new hobby only to give it up again. The result is always the same — wasted efforts.

This doesn’t mean you should hold on to the sinking ship until it’s three miles deep.

But most men have never experienced what it means to keep going even if you think you can’t.

Every time they give up, they lose trust in themselves and credibility with others.

If you promise yourself you’ll do something, do it.

If you promise others you’ll do something, do it.

Be selective in what you pursue. Finish what you started. Quit only if it’s keeping you stuck.

Choose not to give up on yourself.

Living By Society’s Moral Compass Instead Of Their Own

Most men today are lost — and it’s not even their fault.

Society wants them to be everything and nothing. Be successful, but don’t be too assertive. Be a leader, but don’t decide for others. Be masculine, but only in the ways the feminists deem non-toxic. Fuck this shit.

If you listen to others telling you how to live your life, you’ll never be happy.

Your role isn’t to make society like you, but to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of what you created.

But to do that, you’ll first have to become clear about what that means to you.

  • What’s your purpose?
  • What are your values?
  • What matters to you in life?
  • How do you want the world to remember you?

If you don’t have an answer to these questions, people will always blow you around like a leaf in the wind. You’ll waste your life trying to live up to others’ ideals. Then, you’ll be miserable because you’re pretending to be someone you’re not.

But if you know who you are and what you stand for, you’ll become unshakable. Nothing can get you off track. You’ll be able to create the life you want.

Become what you believe in.

Spraying On The Victim Mindset Every Morning

Humans are hardwired to take the path of least resistance.

We want to conserve energy. Why climb the mountain if you can go around it? Why work on yourself and risk rejection when you can just watch porn, eat fast food, and play video games? Why take responsibility for your life when you can blame and complain instead? The answer is simple.

For men, complaining doesn’t work.

We need to solve problems, thrive through hardships, and become better every day.

Every time you say, “If such and such were different,” you take away power from yourself. You put external circumstances over your abilities. You fall into the victim mindset.

It doesn’t even matter if you’re right or not. Yeah, your boss is a dickhead, the women in your town are mean, and your parents messed you up. So what?

You have to take responsibility for your life.

Last year, I hit rock bottom. I had to completely reinvent my business and move back in with my grandma. A breakup triggered my childhood trauma and gave me sleepless but tear-fueled nights. But here’s the thing.

What helped me was taking radical responsibility for my situation and doing what I had to. Had I complained about how unfair life is, I would still be stuck in the same place.

You’re not a victim. You’re the hero of your story. You’re the one in control.

Act like it.

Summary To Help You Avoid The Biggest Traps

A big part of living an amazing life and being a great man is avoiding the traps along the way.

  1. Don’t let fun distractions turn into addictive vices.
  2. Don’t choose a partner for the wrong reasons.
  3. Don’t let the wrong friends hold you back.
  4. Don’t settle into a soul-sucking job just for the money.
  5. Don’t give up when you shouldn’t — but move on if you’re stuck.
  6. Don’t let society determine your values and morals.
  7. Don’t fall into the victim mindset — take responsibility instead.

What you do with your life is your choice and nobody else’s.

Choose wisely.

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